The Wedding Dress

The beauty of day dreaming. Some of the most emotional pitfalls I’ve had in my life were daydreaming about a life impossible to have. My life is truly a blessing. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. However, I’m an average person. Not exceptionally intelligent, not particularly attractive, not artistic or wealthy, just an average Jane. That may sound like I feel sorry for myself but I also don’t struggle with many anxieties or insecurities. I’m not saying I’m without them, just that they roll off my back pretty easily. As a little girl I had big dreams. I wanted to be a dancer, music always moved me and I could let myself get carried away with it. More than anything in the world I wanted to be a wife and mother. I guess I would say I was born conservative minded if you can claim it’s a trait from birth. I wanted the whole apple pie. My dream was for a romantic proposal with adoring onlookers sharing our magical moment. All of this followed by a breathtaking wedding dress made of virginal white silk, lace, and adorned with intricately placed pearls, chosen with my lifelong best friends, long lost mother and a mother in law who was so grateful her son chose me. As a young girl I had already chose colors and venues from castles to beaches. The whole event was very extravagant.

The first time I married I was a runaway ward of the state, 15 years old, and nine weeks pregnant. Those attending were myself, the babies father, his sister and the only judge available due to elections. The worn blue jeans and blue shirt begrudgingly wore was nothing compared to the awkward way I tried to hug my new husband instead of kissing him in front of the judge. Following the ceremony I headed to his sisters house while they left for work. My romantic honeymoon postponed for never.

The second time I wed I was gonna do it right. I went with my best friend and daughter and tried on a wedding dress. Listening to all the mothers and daughters cooing over how breathtaking they were in their dresses. My very heart started shaking taking my breath away. I stepped out of the dressing room, my best friend and the sales lady tried to assure me that I was a vision as well. The mirror before me told a different story. The picture I saw was not at all what I had envisioned. Before me stood a person scared of loving another, there was no magic, no tears of joy. The woman I saw before me was a fraud. She was no princess with people vying for a glimpse of history in the making. She was a woman with few friends and with no family. I stared into the eyes of a woman giving up on a hope, broken hearted I quickly turned away and removed the dress. With conviction I made the decision to marry in a simple dress with mostly our children present . No one need witness the pain of me accepting a defeated dream.