She was strong, she was open and none of us questioned her. She was a natural leader and she defended her friends from the staff. As the eldest and possibly the most street smart she had an air of confidence about her that abuse and circumstances had robbed from most of us. This was my friend from the first group home I called home. From day one she took me under her wing and I was so grateful. Finally I was greeted with a commonality after so much time of being on the outside and left to fend for myself. She welcomed me to sit beside her at dinner and also when we had “house meetings”. House meetings were typically about household chores, conduct or personal belongings. I can’t express my gratitude for having a friend with mere words. At ten I was the least of the group and hadn’t learned the ins and outs of juggling group life.
Many times she would come to my bed at night and we would laugh and talk after others had fell asleep. She would talk about her horrible mother and I would listen mostly because I had always been taught to keep my pain quite. She asked me if any sick man touched me and made me feel bad. I quietly wept and she hugged me tight. She was truly a friend.
One night I cried out having terrors and she came in and shook me awake and crawled in beside me and held me until I fell asleep. This happened several times and it was so nice to have this connection and not feel so alone. As I fell into the silky comfort of having a protector I became less guarded and let myself feel some peace. That’s when she reached around and went from hugging me to rubbing my breast. Alarms immediately went off and I pulled away practically pushing her off the bed. My voice started escalating and she pulled away. “Whoa chica, I must have been dreaming, but you would get me in trouble?” She left my room obviously angry.
The next morning I was isolated. She snubbed me and rolled her eyes at me. I really regretted over reacting but now I lost my only friend, my only grounding and the loneliness was so painful. After days of this I sought her out and apologized. She side hugged me and said “it’s ok mija, you could learn a lot from me but I guess you are are too young” I begged her to still be my friend I expressed that I’m not that immature and I don’t usually overreact. She said “I don’t know, maybe you should hang with the younger girls”. Later that day she brought me a pen that was mine and it smelled of strawberries when I wrote with it, I had been looking for it for several days. She tossed it my way smiling and said “see, I still got you”. I knew then that she was befriending me and I was so grateful I would never be so childish again.
That night and every night after I laid in bed where she explored every inch of me, expressing to me that touches are meant to feel good. They did feel good and I found myself wanting her to come visit. I acted like I was asleep but she knew I wasn’t, pretending to be a sleep I could feel like I didn’t agree but I never fought her or complained. Instead I would position myself for easier access, leaning into the touches.
For years I have lived with the guilt. Feeling like I had eagerly accepted these advances. Instead of realizing that in the beginning she had spun her silky web. It was beautiful and glistened at times. Once I was in the web she approached and I struggled. So like all hungry spiders she stuck me with her venom of loneliness and isolation. That pain was greater than anything else at that time. This venom turned my insides into a liquid state ready for digestion. I seemed fine from the outside but inside was hollow. My body did have normal reactions to touch because healthy and unhealthy touches no longer were separate. This guilt that I’ve lived with, the shame of protecting my abuser because of my own blame. My guilt in allowing it, my guilt of enjoying it, and my guilt of sacrificing my body to save my heart from being alone.
Please please don’t feel guilty if someone takes advantage of you and you don’t know how to respond. Don’t feel guilty if your body responds in a manner that your heart or mind isn’t happy about. Don’t feel guilty if you choose a lesser of two evils that repulses you. Always remember that Peter loved Christ and never imagined himself denying him because that act would go against everything in his heart but faced with fear he chose to betray his Savior and himself. Later he redeemed himself and stood up for his love and our one true King, Jesus Christ.
Raising Vipi 