Dissociation: the ability to disconnect mind from body in a daydream like state (not clinical term)
Mithridatism: administering non lethal amounts of poison or venom to build immunity
Today at church our pastor encouraged us to write down our deepest pain on a piece of paper that had the word (Thankful) written on the other side and then place it in a prayer box. We would then pray and give thanks for the lessons learned from the pain in our life and for victory from the pain. I couldn’t participate. The first time I couldn’t even write it down, the second time I wrote it down but clutched it with all my strength and refused to put it in the box.
When I was a very young girl I fought and grieved my abuse. I tried to understand why someone would hurt me. I feared the dark alleys, whined about hunger, had faith in Santa and Jesus, Then repeated doses of trauma caused me to build an immunity. Every time I went hungry for days, or my body was used to release a persons anger or satisfy fantasies I became more indifferent. I quit crying for help or fighting for freedom. I was given doses of trauma in a way people give themselves venom to become immune to snake bites.
I am grateful for my strength and the lessons I’ve learned but how do I turn over the grit that keeps me indifferent when I face pain again.
The strength to disconnect from my mind when at gun point, the ability to produce hallucinating fractals when I suffer, the courage to cut people I love from of my life, these are my imaginary super powers.
Why don’t I break? My core comes from a place of acceptance. I had been in denial, anger, bargaining, depression, to finally just accepting my poison. Why does divorce shatter someone’s entire life? Why does an affair render someone useless and emotionally cripple them? Why do financial struggles cause families to split? How can I let it go that every person I’ve put my trust in not only let me down but tortured my body or mind for their own satisfaction.
I used to think I was singled out for pain, now I know I was. There are some in my life who would never hurt others or never have, but I was treated as dispensable. Trust me when I say, I don’t want pity. The woman I am.
Is strong and capable. I am never afraid of anyone or anything, because in all honesty. I don’t know what they could do to me that the people I loved and trusted hadn’t done before them.
Raising Vipi 