Teaching Our Children to be Victims

One day I was called to the school to pick up my 5 year old foster daughter. She was being defiant for the numerous time this week and they had even called the resource officer to help but nothing they tried was working so I headed to the school for the umpteenth time. When I pulled up the patrol car was parked right in front so I pulled in close, took a deep breath and acted like I knew what I was doing. My kids need to feel like I know what to do and how to handle everything. Though I feel like I’m out of my element they need to trust that I can deal with anything they throw my way. I will break down in prayer or cry on my husbands shoulder later, right now I have a miniature tyrant who is causing chaos and needs to be emotionally grounded. When the buzzer sounds and the door unlocks I go into the foyer before they wave me on into the office where my little one was sitting. A turned over desk, snack wrappers, food treys and ripped up paper scattered all over the tiny room with no windows, there she was, leaning against the wall. The assistant principle turned away from her to talk to me about her conduct and have me sign the write up sheets. Then my darling jumped up, lunged and hauled off and hit the lady in the back as hard as she could. This tall lady while standing her entire 5’8ish self said “please don’t hit me, I don’t like to be hit” WHAT?!?! This brown eyed little girl balled up her fist and pulled it back to strike again when I stepped between them. I bent down on her level and said in my darkest most stern voice possible “DO NOT HIT HER, she has a right to be safe. I won’t let you hit her and I won’t let her hit you because you have a right to be safe too”. Her eyes never left mine but her head tilted down and she nodded. I knew that something hit home. She put her hand in mine as I finished signing papers and we walked out together like any other mom and daughter. It’s later as I prayed and thought about this, that a light bulb went off. How many times as a child did I

1. Doubt myself and assume that people really didn’t mean to grab me here or there. “The tickling that accidentally got out of hand”

2. Feel like I couldn’t say no to an adult. Losing all ability to stand up for myself.

Who taught me to victimize myself? Where did I get the notion that I didn’t deserve being rescued. When did I learn that my person, my body could be treated any way at all and I had to deal with it?

Listening to the assistant principal ask her gently “please don’t hit me, I don’t like to be hit” I was reminded of the times I quietly begged someone to get off of me. How and when did we decide to teach our daughters to ASK for safety instead of insisting. I told my daughters if anyone EVER touched them in ANY way they didn’t like I would come to them and help them. I taught all of my children that they deserve to be safe and they can announce it to the treetops if anyone ever makes them feel in danger. However, I also taught them that they are to never make anyone else question their safety because WE ALL DESERVE TO BE SAFE.

Redirection, positive wording, and peaceful resolve are all wonderful and should be 90% of the way we communicate with one another. But there are something things that need to be said with exclamation.

NO!! isn’t an ugly word

Don’t!! is not mean

Stop!!! Is a wonderful way to get the point across.

We confuse negative words with negative feelings. These words are perfectly acceptable when being used to protect ourself or someone else. Let us all gives options and choices about what cereal our kids want to eat or what toys they want to play with but instill the fact that there are some things that are simply right or wrong, yes or no and black and white.