View of Foster Parents

The other day I was at a birthday party when a friend and I started discussing the many obstacles I’ve ran into as a foster parent and how I feel like I have true enemies in the school now that I have foster children (never the five biological children I sent to the same school) Since she works for the education system I was eager to listen to any advice I could get. She said “it’s not you, there’s a stigma with what you do” “There are so many bad foster parents, we see it every day”. “These kids aren’t loved and the foster mom does it for money, she is fake and we all know it”

Well, I’ve heard the phrase “they’re in it for the money” so many times it makes my stomach hurt. We wouldn’t expect the pediatrician to pass up reimbursement for time, despite that we feel the wellness of children should be the goal. What if money is the driving force? Should he stop saving children? What about teachers, should they not get paid because the job is to enrich our community, one child at a time? What about law enforcement? Isn’t safety and service what it’s really about? Why pay these people? We don’t even expect the boy who clears our table to do it for nothing. Most of us even pay our children to clean up their own mess. The only time we question whether a person should get paid is fostering or pastoring. Let my reward be in Heaven with my pastors, that works for me.

My personal conviction is that foster parents should be in it to give children a safe and nurturing home. However, unless you are in it to abuse children I can’t find fault in anyone opening their home to the less fortunate for ANY reason. The world has such a high expectation of people who do the crap work that most of us feel too important to do. Trust me when I say this, it’s true. Here are some of the excuses I’ve heard not to foster. I can’t get hurt that way, I would get too attached. You are probably wrong since YOU are more worried about YOU getting too hurt then a child going hungry, or being beaten. That being said, for some of us it’s a real danger and one we often tread carefully because our hearts have been crushed over and over again. Another excuse I’ve heard is “I can’t parent a child I can’t discipline”. Does that mean that you need to work out your lack of skills as a parent on a child who doesn’t even know what parenting looks like? Yet there are still more excuses like “I don’t have the time” or “I wouldn’t want all the caseworkers in my life and business all the time”. Just say it, quit making excuses, say it out loud “I am not willing to sacrifice my heart my home and my livelihood for a child who isn’t mine”. It’s fine, nobody’s asking you to care for the fatherless, except God.

Back to (they’re in it for the money). I have left one job and lost another due to how many times I’m called to retrieve kids because they can’t handle the behaviors at school. Do people really know how little per diem is for foster parents? It doesn’t replace the income I had while I worked as a teacher or as a court clerk. My life is 10x more expensive than it was before fostering. Repair to my home from tantrums, multiple trips to doctors and therapists and if anyone thinks dinning out and taking kids on vacation for their enrichment is stuff that per diem pays for, they’ve lost their mind. Haircuts, birthday parties, school supplies, field trips and school dances, Easter baskets and filled stockings? Who pays for these? Foster parents!

But let’s just say for example that someone is offering a safe and clean home to children for whatever benefits they can get out of it. Should they be made to stop because they don’t have the love and nurture we want for all kids. Do you know how many people resent their step children but they still keep their title. Grandparents who favor some kids over others. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying it’s the truth. Though our country as a whole has 10x more foster kids then they have homes. Our homes should be inspection worthy at a drop of a hat which is more than I can say for most homes I know. We should also be above approach and without human weakness or resentment about the way we are treated. In other words, we should open our lives to inspection our hearts for pain and get kicked in the teeth for doing it.

Through the years we’ve had many children and there was one I couldn’t bond with. I tried repeatedly but it wasn’t there. I didn’t send her away, maybe others could sense my lack of bond but honestly I tried to hide it from everyone, even her. The reason I had her stay was not because she was bringing a paycheck. Nope, it was the other bonds she had formed. She had real bonds with some of our other children, some at school and some at church. She had been doing very well with her therapist and she had developed many coping skills that would help her in the future. Even years after reunification she keeps in touch with everyone here. Despite the fact that I had no bond with her I wanted what was best for her and wanted to give her the opportunity to succeed. This is what our goals for all children should be. I’m sure some people if they knew my lack of bond would decide that I had no business with her. So. I should send her back, mess up her friendships and send her further back emotionally and academically? I won’t do it.

Before I started fostering I thought foster parents were hero’s. I had lived as a ward of the state and still viewed their sacrifice as noble. From the inside of many foster homes and group homes I boldly claim, there are MANY more good homes out there than bad. There were a few homes with a negative atmosphere but the life I came from was toxic, TOXIC. I’m grateful to the people who opened their homes to me even if they couldn’t open their hearts.

Sitting in a meeting with a Foster Care investigator she said to us “teachers don’t like foster parents and they know exactly what questions to ask to get the answers they want and what terms to use to make us investigate”. To me that’s like the Baptist church slandering the Pentecostal. Shouldn’t we all be standing for Christ with the same goal of Heaven even if we sit on different pews. Shouldn’t all of us who work for children work together to help these kids not fall through the cracks of society. When my children didn’t like a teacher I didn’t immediately attack the teachers character, I explained the facts to my students. Ex. Is this teacher teaching you math? Is she at work doing her job? Then she has an education and a title that you have to respect even if you don’t respect her as a person. We aren’t going to click with everyone but we have to learn to work with everyone. No one has ever offered to switch an employees job because they don’t like the way their boss handles break time.

It’s 2018 we should push through prejudice of others because we don’t understand the work they do or the sacrifices they make. We need to also put aside our stereotyping of others. We can’t assume all blondes are dumb, all teachers are in it for the benefits, all police officers are on a power trip or all foster parents are seeking the little work/mega pay life.

The reason I believe people want to assume foster parents are bad is because it makes them feel better about the fact that 1. They won’t open their home to children 2. they refuse to donate their money or time to foster children. It’s almost like society is the bio parent who refuses to pay child support or visit with their children because the other parent may be reckless with the money or free time they have. It’s a bogus excuse.