One day I was called to the school to pick up my 5 year old foster daughter. She was being defiant for the numerous time this week and they had even called the resource officer to help but nothing they tried was working so I headed to the school for the umpteenth time. When I pulled up the patrol car was parked right in front so I pulled in close, took a deep breath and acted like I knew what I was doing. My kids need to feel like I know what to do and how to handle everything. Though I feel like I’m out of my element they need to trust that I can deal with anything they throw my way. I will break down in prayer or cry on my husbands shoulder later, right now I have a miniature tyrant who is causing chaos and needs to be emotionally grounded. When the buzzer sounds and the door unlocks I go into the foyer before they wave me on into the office where my little one was sitting. A turned over desk, snack wrappers, food treys and ripped up paper scattered all over the tiny room with no windows, there she was, leaning against the wall. The assistant principle turned away from her to talk to me about her conduct and have me sign the write up sheets. Then my darling jumped up, lunged and hauled off and hit the lady in the back as hard as she could. This tall lady while standing her entire 5’8ish self said “please don’t hit me, I don’t like to be hit” WHAT?!?! This brown eyed little girl balled up her fist and pulled it back to strike again when I stepped between them. I bent down on her level and said in my darkest most stern voice possible “DO NOT HIT HER, she has a right to be safe. I won’t let you hit her and I won’t let her hit you because you have a right to be safe too”. Her eyes never left mine but her head tilted down and she nodded. I knew that something hit home. She put her hand in mine as I finished signing papers and we walked out together like any other mom and daughter. It’s later as I prayed and thought about this, that a light bulb went off. How many times as a child did I

1. Doubt myself and assume that people really didn’t mean to grab me here or there. “The tickling that accidentally got out of hand”

2. Feel like I couldn’t say no to an adult. Losing all ability to stand up for myself.

Who taught me to victimize myself? Where did I get the notion that I didn’t deserve being rescued. When did I learn that my person, my body could be treated any way at all and I had to deal with it?

Listening to the assistant principal ask her gently “please don’t hit me, I don’t like to be hit” I was reminded of the times I quietly begged someone to get off of me. How and when did we decide to teach our daughters to ASK for safety instead of insisting. I told my daughters if anyone EVER touched them in ANY way they didn’t like I would come to them and help them. I taught all of my children that they deserve to be safe and they can announce it to the treetops if anyone ever makes them feel in danger. However, I also taught them that they are to never make anyone else question their safety because WE ALL DESERVE TO BE SAFE.

Redirection, positive wording, and peaceful resolve are all wonderful and should be 90% of the way we communicate with one another. But there are something things that need to be said with exclamation.

NO!! isn’t an ugly word

Don’t!! is not mean

Stop!!! Is a wonderful way to get the point across.

We confuse negative words with negative feelings. These words are perfectly acceptable when being used to protect ourself or someone else. Let us all gives options and choices about what cereal our kids want to eat or what toys they want to play with but instill the fact that there are some things that are simply right or wrong, yes or no and black and white.

The other day I was at a birthday party when a friend and I started discussing the many obstacles I’ve ran into as a foster parent and how I feel like I have true enemies in the school now that I have foster children (never the five biological children I sent to the same school) Since she works for the education system I was eager to listen to any advice I could get. She said “it’s not you, there’s a stigma with what you do” “There are so many bad foster parents, we see it every day”. “These kids aren’t loved and the foster mom does it for money, she is fake and we all know it”

Well, I’ve heard the phrase “they’re in it for the money” so many times it makes my stomach hurt. We wouldn’t expect the pediatrician to pass up reimbursement for time, despite that we feel the wellness of children should be the goal. What if money is the driving force? Should he stop saving children? What about teachers, should they not get paid because the job is to enrich our community, one child at a time? What about law enforcement? Isn’t safety and service what it’s really about? Why pay these people? We don’t even expect the boy who clears our table to do it for nothing. Most of us even pay our children to clean up their own mess. The only time we question whether a person should get paid is fostering or pastoring. Let my reward be in Heaven with my pastors, that works for me.

My personal conviction is that foster parents should be in it to give children a safe and nurturing home. However, unless you are in it to abuse children I can’t find fault in anyone opening their home to the less fortunate for ANY reason. The world has such a high expectation of people who do the crap work that most of us feel too important to do. Trust me when I say this, it’s true. Here are some of the excuses I’ve heard not to foster. I can’t get hurt that way, I would get too attached. You are probably wrong since YOU are more worried about YOU getting too hurt then a child going hungry, or being beaten. That being said, for some of us it’s a real danger and one we often tread carefully because our hearts have been crushed over and over again. Another excuse I’ve heard is “I can’t parent a child I can’t discipline”. Does that mean that you need to work out your lack of skills as a parent on a child who doesn’t even know what parenting looks like? Yet there are still more excuses like “I don’t have the time” or “I wouldn’t want all the caseworkers in my life and business all the time”. Just say it, quit making excuses, say it out loud “I am not willing to sacrifice my heart my home and my livelihood for a child who isn’t mine”. It’s fine, nobody’s asking you to care for the fatherless, except God.

Back to (they’re in it for the money). I have left one job and lost another due to how many times I’m called to retrieve kids because they can’t handle the behaviors at school. Do people really know how little per diem is for foster parents? It doesn’t replace the income I had while I worked as a teacher or as a court clerk. My life is 10x more expensive than it was before fostering. Repair to my home from tantrums, multiple trips to doctors and therapists and if anyone thinks dinning out and taking kids on vacation for their enrichment is stuff that per diem pays for, they’ve lost their mind. Haircuts, birthday parties, school supplies, field trips and school dances, Easter baskets and filled stockings? Who pays for these? Foster parents!

But let’s just say for example that someone is offering a safe and clean home to children for whatever benefits they can get out of it. Should they be made to stop because they don’t have the love and nurture we want for all kids. Do you know how many people resent their step children but they still keep their title. Grandparents who favor some kids over others. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying it’s the truth. Though our country as a whole has 10x more foster kids then they have homes. Our homes should be inspection worthy at a drop of a hat which is more than I can say for most homes I know. We should also be above approach and without human weakness or resentment about the way we are treated. In other words, we should open our lives to inspection our hearts for pain and get kicked in the teeth for doing it.

Through the years we’ve had many children and there was one I couldn’t bond with. I tried repeatedly but it wasn’t there. I didn’t send her away, maybe others could sense my lack of bond but honestly I tried to hide it from everyone, even her. The reason I had her stay was not because she was bringing a paycheck. Nope, it was the other bonds she had formed. She had real bonds with some of our other children, some at school and some at church. She had been doing very well with her therapist and she had developed many coping skills that would help her in the future. Even years after reunification she keeps in touch with everyone here. Despite the fact that I had no bond with her I wanted what was best for her and wanted to give her the opportunity to succeed. This is what our goals for all children should be. I’m sure some people if they knew my lack of bond would decide that I had no business with her. So. I should send her back, mess up her friendships and send her further back emotionally and academically? I won’t do it.

Before I started fostering I thought foster parents were hero’s. I had lived as a ward of the state and still viewed their sacrifice as noble. From the inside of many foster homes and group homes I boldly claim, there are MANY more good homes out there than bad. There were a few homes with a negative atmosphere but the life I came from was toxic, TOXIC. I’m grateful to the people who opened their homes to me even if they couldn’t open their hearts.

Sitting in a meeting with a Foster Care investigator she said to us “teachers don’t like foster parents and they know exactly what questions to ask to get the answers they want and what terms to use to make us investigate”. To me that’s like the Baptist church slandering the Pentecostal. Shouldn’t we all be standing for Christ with the same goal of Heaven even if we sit on different pews. Shouldn’t all of us who work for children work together to help these kids not fall through the cracks of society. When my children didn’t like a teacher I didn’t immediately attack the teachers character, I explained the facts to my students. Ex. Is this teacher teaching you math? Is she at work doing her job? Then she has an education and a title that you have to respect even if you don’t respect her as a person. We aren’t going to click with everyone but we have to learn to work with everyone. No one has ever offered to switch an employees job because they don’t like the way their boss handles break time.

It’s 2018 we should push through prejudice of others because we don’t understand the work they do or the sacrifices they make. We need to also put aside our stereotyping of others. We can’t assume all blondes are dumb, all teachers are in it for the benefits, all police officers are on a power trip or all foster parents are seeking the little work/mega pay life.

The reason I believe people want to assume foster parents are bad is because it makes them feel better about the fact that 1. They won’t open their home to children 2. they refuse to donate their money or time to foster children. It’s almost like society is the bio parent who refuses to pay child support or visit with their children because the other parent may be reckless with the money or free time they have. It’s a bogus excuse.

The trials I’ve went through this week have made me physically weak. They’ve caused me to really reflect on myself as a person, my faith, and question why I’m defeated at this point in my life. A lesson I heard this evening was about our faith being fickle and I really started questioning myself and what causes me to give up so easily. Actually, what cause us Christians as a whole to live defeated and in fear. Many times the lessons we learn from our Pastors or church leaders is about our God being EVERYTHING. He is all powerful, all knowing, all loving and we are promised a victory banquet in Heaven. Though these statements are very true sometimes we need to be reminded that we are at war. Yes, we are promised Victory! We do fight for the one worthy and all powerful. But war has casualties!! The conquers often times lose many many soldiers, they come home with battle wounds, broken minds or not at all. We are at war people. It’s a spiritual war that will often times make us feel shattered to our core. Though we know our Father can heal. At some point we all must die and this will effect each and everyone of us. We WILL face sickness and heart break. We WILL face financial struggles. We WILL fall flat on our face in tears. This is war!!

As Christians we fail to realize the cost of war! What will our faith cost us. Will it cost us friendships, will we be asked to sacrifice our time? Are we prepared to pay what it costs to be obedient? Will we give our tithes to the war of God? Will we work and serve others and His plan with our energy? What if it costs your marriage? What if you are asked to leave you home and go to the mission field? What if you are asked to open your home to strangers or children? Can you or will you pay this price? A broke war can never win. Many countries have lost the battle due to lack of funds. How much is too much for you?

This is my Achilles heal. What about the allies of war? What happens when the brothers that once stood with you fighting the fight beside you change their allegiance and now raise arms against you. What happens when your sponsors withdraw their support? The pain that runs the deepest for me are when my Christian friends turn on me. For me personally when the teachers that should be fighting the battle of child wellness with me stand against me. Or the Caseworkers who turned someone else’s children in to my hands with confidence and all faith buckle when that faith is questioned. This pain reminds me of the Vietnam Vets who returned home after a long hard battled where they lost so much and were scorned by the American people. Our soldiers were scorned, ridiculed and treated like animals. This area is probably the one I struggle with the most in my faith. When those I fight with and for turn against us. Feelings become personal and I understand in war one side will win and one will lose. Never have I wanted to conquer friends or family so victory becomes bitter.

Why do we go to war if it takes so much? We don’t go to war, we are in the war. The choice we have is which side we want to fight for. The perks of fighting for our Savior are the only thing that matters. In this war we aren’t exempt from the tragedy however we can receive peace. We can pray for his comfort to see us through. We can have a hedge around our hearts and minds staying focused on him. Most importantly Eternal Victory!!! Eternal worship and rest from the war. One day the battle will be over and we can bask in the goodness of his promises. We fight for Eternal peace and joy. Let us all lift up or battle cry for our creator, our Father and Savior. Let’s fight with all we can, give all we have and stand against all who will stand against the one and only God almighty!