The dysfunction, the manipulation, the lies, the guilt. 

This is the way it is, he pulls this way and we  walk, he pulls that way and we bend. 

Blind to the strings, oblivious to his control. Dancing day by day to the music he provides. Naive to believe we have a voice, that we got here on our own. 

Then the strings begin to break, we can fall, flat on our face, we will fall, but we have a choice, instead we look up. 

What is this? A Master? A manipulator? He pulled my strings? Guilted me into submission? Why was I blind? Why did I cowar? Why did I ALLOW myself to hurt others? 

I didn’t know, why couldn’t I see the strings? How did I get so far, hurt so many ? How did I settle for the dysfunction he provided? 

I couldn’t see the Master, I couldn’t see the strings? I couldn’t see my pain until I looked up? Only by looking up could I see God? Only seeking God could I see who was reeking havoc in my life. With my eyes fixed on my loving father I could see the dysfunction of my earthly father. 

This morning as I was jotting down all the things on my to do list I started to feel overwhelmed before I even started marking them off. I decided to go back to the top where I started the list off with prayer and jumped right in. I kid you not, directly after starting my prayer I had a peace move in and wisdom comforted me. This is what I felt and decided to write in case I need it for future reminder. 

All things in life are handled pretty much three different ways. The first is 

POWER                                                                   With the mere strength of our own two hands we handle the to do list of life. We wrap the presents, do the laundry, hold our loved ones, protect what’s ours and physically handle things that come our way. 

PATIENCE                                                             When physical power can’t be used we use patience. The sickness that must be waited through, the garden that waits for spring, the delivery of our infant, and the paycheck to hit the bank

PRAYER                                                                    Then when it truly is out of our control and we can’t force it or wait for it we call for a professional. We call the doctor, the fireman, the attorney. We turn it over to those who can go where we can’t and do things beyond our capabilities. 

The young boy got his leg caught in the fence. He tried to use his own POWER but the force caused knee to swell and made it impossible to remove his leg, then mom told him to be PATIENT, stop wiggling and let the swelling go down but still the knee wouldn’t release. Finally, they had to call a professional and PRAY for help. 

PRAY                                                              1.address a solemn request or expression of thanks to a deity or other object of worship. 2. used as a preface to polite requests or instructions.

Let us all realize what we can just leave to THE PROFESSIONAL and relieve ourselves the burden of those things that are completely beyond us. 

A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.                                                        Agatha Christie

We’ve all heard about a mothers love. The love without boundaries, the love that’s unconditional, the strongest, most fierce bond in the world. 

That’s why we are repulsed, enraged and dumbfounded when a mother harms her offspring. It’s unnatural, meaning it goes against the grain of life. Most animals even answer to an instinctual maternal bond. 

What about that mother who walks away? Not the mother who is trying to find a better life than she can offer but the mother who just “WALKS AWAY”. The one who leaves her children for vultures to pillage their youth and violate their purity. 

When I was a child I believed something was wrong with me. A child even a mother couldn’t love. The abandonment was personal and due to me being unworthy. Then as a teenager I became angry. Angry with her for leaving me to the abusers, to those who destroyed my innocence. 

Then as an adult, I held my infant daughter and realized I would sacrifice everything for her, I would die for her, I would kill for her. I wanted to protect her from every pain and encourage her to experience all things wonderful. Finally, I understood what a mothers love really was. It’s then that I knew…. there never was anything wrong with me. There was something wrong with her. 

Wildly curly hair, ivory skin that’s cool to the touch, freckled face and a fierce spirit. Daughter of my heart. Autumn is the reason I learned that love is more than blood. When she came into my life I was just her babysitter. I adored her and it didn’t take long for me to want to protect her. Her mother was dealing with many obstacles and motherhood didn’t seem to come naturally for her though she loved her very much. She also worked in the medical field that demanded long hours, even days away from her pride and joy.   Quickly my love for this little dear was so strong I wanted to keep her. I had no biological ties to her, I had no legal connection like marriage. I was simply the babysitter. It’s a helpless feeling but I did everything I could to make her feel loved and accepted in our family. Autumn and Sarah shared a bedroom and picked on the little brothers.  They roamed the woods, built forts, and scavaged for souvenirs behind our house. At night she would come to my room with her thumb in her mouth tap my shoulder and I would lift the blanket up to let her in. I would wrap my arm around her and breath her in. My heart would be happy and sad all at the same time. Happy that I could be with her as much as I wanted. Sad knowing someone else could say when it would end. 

When her and my daughter turned 13 our family seperated through divorce and a huge hole that I tried to avoid was created. No longer was I the perfectly accessible childcare provider. My heart was so grieved. I tried to act like everything was fine to teach my daughters that we women are capable and strong but when there was no one to perform for my heart would ache and I would break a little more. 

Today, 12 years later. My beautiful Autumn is a strong career woman, a wonderful wife, and a loving mother. She is creative, opinionated but tactful. Right now I lie in bed with Autumn’s beautiful daughter watching cartoons and thinking about how much this little girl is wiggling her way in my heart. My soul swells with pride that Autumn has always found her way back to me. She has a mother who loves her, she has grandparents who  thinks she hung the moon but some relationships in this world are just meant to be. 

Yesterday, I got up at 5:00am took my shower, started a load of laundry, gathered a bag of stuff for goodwill, prepared three outfits for toddlers getting their picture with Santa, my three year old little boy woke up about ten till 6:00 saying “I’m hungry” I fix him a bowl of oatmeal and start his breathing treatment, I go and get the 12 year old up and tell her to walk the dogs, then I throw some clothes on and give my two kids their medicine. 7:10 I wake up my husband, put the clothes in the dryer and put my makeup on in between making the bed and helping my little guy with his shoes, my teenager comes in and asks for some Tylenol because she has a headache and sore throat. 8:00. I leave the house with the bag from Goodwill and head to pick up Olivia my precious little one.I leave  there with two three year olds and a 12 year old to go to the dentist. All of a sudden I remember that I left the kids “Santa outfits” at home. I try to call my two other daughters who are meeting me for pictures to see if they can go get them, neither one answers. I can’t go back,  I have a dentist appointment for the kids at 9:00. The appointment went over more quickly then I anticipated despite the melt downs, when we leave at 9:50 I realize I’m feeling nauseated because I haven’t eaten so I stop at Panera Bread and get bagels for everyone and rush back to my house to walk the dogs, and pick up outfits. Leave the house and have to rush back because we have another doctors appointment at 11:20. Finish the appointment head to the mall for pictures and lunch OMG!! What was I thinking? Three toddlers a newborn and a sullen preteen. I deserve what I got. By the time we left I didn’t know if I was going to laugh in hysterics or cry like the toddlers I was caring for. We headed home and I decided that EVERYONE was going to take a nap because I was DONE. Well, on the way home the caseworker calls and says she needs to stop in and see the kids today. Time to clean house. 

Next day… I get up at 5:00 to get a shower and climb back in bed to finish the episode of The Fall I had been watching before, I noticed my door creak open and I fake being asleep because once they are awake there is no more rest for me and it’s still dark outside. My teenage daughter leans in to whisper to me “the bathroom door is locked and we can’t get in”am I really going to have to break into our bathroom before 6:00 in the morning? The answer is yes! After that I  empty two boxes of stuff still left over from our move and then my little guy crying begging for food because he is awake after all. I start his breathing treatment, let the dog out, pass out medicine, wake up hubby, lay out kids clothes, remind kids to do chores, help little one with shoes, make the bed, finish my grocery list, throw clothes on, gather the rugs to wash them and head out to take my little one to school and pick up Olivia. Pick up Olivia head to the grocery store, buy a weeks worth of groceries, head home, play Musical cars when I get home with the fence guys truck in my drive way, walk the dogs, bring the groceries in, clean up after the dogs accident, put groceries up clean up more dogs accidents and start hubbys lunch. Have lunch, meet with the guys installing our fence for a minute, call to make appointment for my toddler, meet with my daughter to get my grand daughter, referee toddler fights, go pick up my little guys, get stuck behind a stalled train and have to detour taking a full hour to pick up my three year old. Yes, I was late, meet my daughter again, finish putting up the grocery stuff, clean utility room, start supper, make Christmas ornaments, clean the garage with my husband and two  toddlers, then let my dog out, walked down the hall, fell in my bed and bailed on everything else for the night. My clothes are still in the washer, my husband is up with our two toddlers, dishes are in the sink but my body won’t go anymore. It just won’t. SWEET DREAMS!!

Yesterday my youngest daughter and I both got up at the same time and headed down the hallway at the same time. It felt awkward like she was following me and I should wait to see what she wanted but when I looked over my shoulder she was engulfed in her phone. Then, of course…I started thinking how we’re all on different paths. Some of us start at the same time and some of us start at different times. We don’t all follow a certain path or wind up at the same place. But something feels out right odd when someone is on the same path but winds up in a different place. How does that happen? 

Like in a marriage, how did we start off on page one then someone skips a few chapters or decides  to choose another book all together?

What about the siblings that have the same parents, same genes, and same environment  but one grows up to be the black sheep? The crazy uncle? The closet skeleton?

What about the church members who all share the same pews, sing the same songs, even donate their time to those in need yet some on this path won’t make it through the gates of glory. 

I wanted to be his girlfriend. At the time he was so cute and often had girls hanging around him. I didn’t care that he was 14 and he thought I was too young. He had a younger brother who was always  seeking my attention but I didn’t have patience for him. He still made gas noises   With his arm pit and thought pulling my hair was funny. Now, his older brother was tall and helped work around the motel we were living in. He was strong and every morning when the sun came up I watched him walk around to each room and unscrew the light bulb enough that it would turn off. His tolerance for pain must be high because I could’ve never touched a light bulb that had been on for a while. 

My dad worked many crazy hours and when he wasn’t working he was gone to the casinos to try to make us rich.  My brother and I pretty much just roamed the streets of Vegas. Often times we would go to the top floor of different stores and watch people pass by. This day we took the two boys whose parents owned the motel and I got to spend time with Kevin, the older brother. Finally, he was talking to me, teasing me a little my heart was light, I felt like I was on top of the world. 

Later that night I was alone, my brother was playing games with the other motel kids, my dad was gone “working” and I was watching The Brady Bunch. I heard a knock on my window and I jumped because I was startled. As I looked out I noticed it was Kevin, my heart started beating in my chest, he came to hang out with me. “Let me in” he smiled and without thought I opened the window and he crawled through.  No more than 2 minutes passed and he was kissing my neck. I tried to pull back because I didn’t know what to do. Then he pushed me against the table. “I don’t want to get in trouble” I said as I tried to twist away. “Robert can come back” I mumbled against his chest.  He was unmoved by my resistance and kept pushing forward. My pants were off and I didn’t know what to say. Pressed against the table gave him leverage. I tried to brace against him but his strength was too much. “You’re hurting me” I cried and tears flowed down my face, he said nothing until he was spent. Then he pulled away from me, straightened himself up and said “see you later” and he was out my window as fast as he dropped in. Did that make him my boyfriend? Does that mean he likes me? It did not.  Instead, he never spoke to me again.