Most obstacles in my life I seek the silver lining. My goal is to always find the glass half full and trials are just stones on our pathway of life. Roots are my biggest weakness. Family, friends, home, and community. These are the blessings God has given me that I grasp onto with  frantic strength.  They are mine! I will share these gifts, but they are mine. Giving any of these up would be like taking candy from a baby. Some say it’s easy but the couple of times I tried it my nerves of steal became strands of jello under the screaming. 

HOME                                                                     This Friday we have the DOT (department of transportation) coming to our home to make an offer because our home is sitting right smack in the middle of a new bypass they are building. Our home, where we said our wedding vows, where we raised five children, where we fought and held our kids prisoner when they broke curfew. The home we hosted every Thanksgiving dinner, welcomed Santa at 3:00 am, and entertained friends and family. We have cherished pets buried in the woods, grass we couldn’t get to grow, and the porch where we sat and had coffee many mornings (weather permitting).

History                                                                   I know that my lack of roots as a child makes me a clingy person as an adult. My mind knows this is just something that has to happen but giving up a root is like a death to me. I realize it’s just a physical frame but it means stability and security for me. Our home is a refuge and haven. 

Actually                                                                 Pushing all emotion to the side. We are a big wheel that turns very slowly. There are rules for foster parents that will dictate the choices we have when we move. It’s a lot of work and stressful. I have therapeutic foster children and I’m very concerned about the disturbance of their routines. Moving these kids who have had very little stability in their life feels like a knife to my heart. 

PRAY                                                                       I’m asking in advance for all friends and family to pray for us. Pray for the smoothest transition possible, pray for wisdom to make good choices and pray that when things head south, I find grace. 

The last time I ran away from my fathers home I knew my threats would be taken seriously. The police acknowledged they COULD NOT take me home. My pleas had not been heard, I had left before and the police had returned me to an angrier man than before. I wasn’t sure how to stop it so I just told them about the driving force that made me leave “if you take me home, I will kill him”. I don’t know if it was a threat or if I could have done it but  the idea had been going through my head.  I was afraid if I stayed, it would happen.  Nobody understood that he was a master manipulater and he would go in details with the police about how I was a delinquent teenager and how he has worried about me for days. His plight as a single father trying to care for my brother and myself was taking a toll on his job. He can’t even entertain the idea of a relationship because I was causing him so much grief. He would tell them that I was rebellious, didn’t like rules, and my anger was because my mother was gone. Then he would cry and tell them that he’s afraid I’m going to be just like her and only worry about having a good time. Oh yeah, I’ve had people tell me that I should cut him some slack. They would tell me that being a single parent is hard and I should try to make it easier. 

Leaving home wasn’t about finding a party. I wasn’t looking for a good time. My intentions weren’t to stick it to the man for rules. NO! They were simple self preservation. More often then not I stayed for my brother, I stayed because fear of the unknown imprisoned me. But when I left it was because the fear of staying was greater than the fear of leaving.

Finally, they realized there must be a huge problem if a preteen could make such serious threats. I didn’t know at the time that making threats like that could have had me thrown in a youth detention but at least they took me seriously. He turned his car around and headed to the office instead of taking me back home to daddy. As I sat in an office made of windows I watched the officers direct their glances at me. All seemed to be deep in conversation and then again they would gaze in my direction. I felt like a caged animal. I couldn’t hear them but I knew they were talking about me. One officer popped in a minute and said “Bobbi, we are waiting for a caseworker” and he passed me a  6 pack of donuts and a blanket. 

When the caseworker showed up she was friendly I guess. As she made phone call after phone call while I sat in a hard back chair I heard her say these things over and over. “I have a runaway preteen girl I’m trying to place.” “There’s no history” “I know you don’t usually take teens, but” “I know you don’t take girls, but” “I know you are full,but ” I felt like a leper. Finally she contacted one person a second time and said “I know you said no but I have tried everyone else, if you could just do it for a few days I will try to make other arrangements”

The title is something my Pastor (Danny Echols) said in his sermon recently. WOW!! That is a sermon in its self. This morning I was greeted with an entire choir robed and full of energy, ready to attack me with lies. Shortly after posting the lies began. 

• You know the grammar and punctuation are horrible
• This blog makes it seem like you want sympathy
• What will people think when they know some of these private thoughts 
• Many people have been through much worse, what makes your experiences unique

With each verse and every chorus I could feel defeat tugging at me. The fervent lyrics of this composition were filled with intent to leave the audience crippled. Manipulated into feeling and believing every little lie, I began to consider turning tail on my decision to be a voice, My Voice.  Then as the song began ascending and I could feel it reaching the climax I reached out. I knew I had to fight lies with the truth.                                        Ephesians 6:11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.

Psalms 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

I can’t fight off the lies, but my father in Heaven will defend me and tell me the truth. 

I asked a friend for her advice because she knows I am private about my past and have never given many details about why I was often a ward of the state and she said “these posts are amazing and they need to be told“.                                                  Then a little later I called my mother in law to discuss the arrangements of a relative who had passed away and she brought up my blog “I’ve read every one of your posts, I can’t say they are good because there are some things that are just not good to hear, but this is what you have to do” . She went on to express how important she feels it is and how she is advocating that everyone she knows should read it. 

Then last night as I was dozing off I got a message from Dawn Lewis (LeBranc) telling me how much my post about her and her family meant to her. She also explained how much our friendship had meant to her. Dawn told me that she had also suspected abuse but since I didn’t even confide it to my closest friend she wasn’t sure. God stepped in and countered every lie with a truth. My fears of reaching out were all based on lies. Lies to keep me debilitated and crippled. 

The truths

• My grammar isn’t perfect but Moses was slow of tongue and still had a voice
• I know I don’t want or need sympathy, I am a child of the King. No pity for me thank you
• People will think what they want. I can’t change other people
• Yes, other people have had dire circumstances in their lives, what does that have to do with what I feel led to do. 

Thank you to my family and friends for being a voice to encourage. When I put on my armor, God sent the truth through you. I love you all and I’m thankful that my Heavenly Father hand picked my family and put them in my life along my journey. 

January 1984. The first day I met Dawn Lewis was a wonderful day I will never forget. Mensendick elementary school in Arizona just transferred me from 3rd to 4th grade after Christmas break. Again,  I was the new kid in the class. Of course, I glanced around at all the kids but I hadn’t zoned in on anyone I wanted to befriend. When Mrs. Spencer announced it was time to line up for recess everyone quickly made a bee line for the door.

While in line this beautiful girl with perfect hair and holding a cabbage patch doll asked  “Do you want to slide with me?” YES!! YES!! YES!! A thousand times YES!, I wanted to slide with her. Not only did I want a friend to play with at recess I wanted to have a chance to hold her Cabbage Patch. I asked Santa for one but, he failed to deliver. I nodded at her and she smiled and said “I’m Dawn”. Every day for about two weeks we would approach each other and ask each other to slide and we ALWAYS did. When she brought her cabbage patch I would hold her while she went down the slide and then when it was my turn on the slide they waited at the bottom. After a couple of weeks we quit asking, we already  knew we were going to slide. 

My friendship with Dawn Lewis was everything I needed. To this day, I believe God sent her. Her family was what I based “good people” off of when I was trying to find my way. Dawn Lewis had a mother, father, grandparents,a dog named Barkley, a pretty bedroom and a play room we spent many hours in. Her parents were so kind to me. Her mom would pick us up from school in her sports car and I felt like a rock star. Her dad would take us to get ice cream and stop by “the shop”  I don’t remember if it was where he worked or a family members shop. I just recall him saying,   “I have to run by the shop”. When we joined him I would look around and see pictures of Dawn in her dance costumes, and my heart would fill with pride to have her as my friend.

Some days with Dawn we spent with her grandparents or Aunt and they were just as amazing and kind to me. I remember one time her cousin tattled on us, as kids often do and when Dawns mother asked us what happened she quickly defended me. Cindy was my hero that day. There hadn’t been many adults in my life and it was the first time I had ever seen someone protect me, even if it was just childish stuff. The accusations really weren’t a big deal but having her by my side was.

For the three years I lived in AZ I was obsessed with Dawn. We spent hours swimming, dressing up and talking. She was real with me and when I would exaggerate something she would call me out (not rudely).  Accountability grounded me and though I could tell stories in my head to get away from the reality of life, she kept me level. One of my favorite moments with her was at night,  we were soaking our feet in the water, the pool lights were beautiful and we were telling each other our goals of family when we grew up. I wish I could remember everything we said but we did promise to name our first daughter after each other. Of course, at 11 I hadn’t realized that the promise to name a baby after me, (Vipi Liwan) was quite a high expectation.

The day we left AZ, I cried uncontrollably. Our family was running from the law,  my sister had admitted to the police the abuse my father brought down on us. He was not about to accept his punishment. His decision for us to move was “to keep our family together”. We packed one bag of clothes each and loaded up the Pinto. My dog “Wags” was taken to a neighbor and I never got to really say goodbye to any friends or the girl who touched my life in so many ways. I remember being inconsolable. I blamed my tears on missing my dog (which of course that was one reason) but I knew my dad would be more patient with that than missing my best friend.  After a couple days of me crying and pouting he flipped on me and got to the bottom of it. At a gas station he walked off seeking a phone booth. He came back to us kids, pulled me aside and said “I tried to call your friend so you could talk with her and maybe feel better but her mother said she was in a wreck and didn’t make it”. Oh…. I can’t explain how I felt. I do know that I never outwardly shed a tear for my friend again. At first my heart was filled with pain but now it just feels numb.

To this day I am thankful that I had her as a friend and that after years I still remembered her phone number. Pregnant and married I picked up my phone and called the familiar number that I still know twenty six years after that. Her mother picked up, I just wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her kindness and how much Dawn had meant to me, when she said “Dawn is at school,  if you want me to give her your number I will”. I quickly gave her my number and got off the phone. Then I mourned long and hard. Grateful that she was well but I could not explain the level of disbelief I felt. How can a person even lie about something like that? How was I so niave? How am I supposed to feel? How?!

The day before Thanksgiving on November 26, 2014 we got a phone call from our Foster Agency asking us if we could take a 3 year old little girl and a 3 week old baby. We knew families who had newborns in their home but we hadn’t had that experience yet. I was nervous and excited. Little girls are so much fun to dress up and babies bring out the best in the men in my family. My husband and youngest son turn into cooing sappy cuddlers. I love it! All of the excitement didn’t surpass the anxiety because I was baking, cleaning and preparing for a house full of guests for the Thanksgiving Dinner and we hadn’t parented a newborn in our home in over a decade. 

DFCS brought the children at 6:55 and I will never ever forget how my heart leapt at the sight of these two precious babies. I didn’t know their story but I knew the little girl was scared so we tried to make her relax by offering her some of the fresh baked goods. Their caseworker gave us 5 minutes worth of information. The toddler is allergic to all things strawberry and the baby takes Gerber Goodstart to supplement breast feeding.  Then she was gone, she needed to head out of town to visit family. 

They had one little plastic bag of clothes and a diaper bag with one diaper, one can of formula and one bottle. The children were both clean, and well dressed, which isn’t always the case. So, within minutes I was rushing to the closest store to pick up necessities. I mean….mega stuff and mega quick. Clothes, shampoo,  bottles, diapers, formula, car seat, blankets, the list went on and on but I knew the next few days we would have to have EVERYTHING. 

My wonderful husband stayed with the little ones and was rocking the baby and watching Disney when I got back. My heart was filled with joy watching him comfort these babies who had to be confused because they didn’t have anything or anyone familiar to them. We fed them, bathed them and prepared for bed. The little girl was so friendly and well mannered and the baby was so tiny with the lightest blonde hair I had ever seen.  We looked at these lovely children but knew we had a long night ahead of us.  Blessings above, our eldest daughter Sarah came to stay and help us get through. 

That first night, so many feelings, so many tears. As we headed to lay the toddler to bed, her crying began. For three hours she cried for her mother, her grand mother, and her puppy. At first I tried to comfort and console but after a while I just held her hand, rubbed her hair and cried with her. Sarah would alternate with me consoling her, comforting him.  We would just tell her we knew she loved her momma and we understood that she wanted to go home. The pain she felt was evident, her cries were heavy and filled with emotions.  Her tears reached into my very soul and held it captive.  I cried for this precious little girl who was facing the unknown, I cried for this baby who had never been seperated from his mother. I cried for the mother whose body had to be crying for her babes. I prayed and cried until we were all asleep. Please God, fix their pain, let me be the comforter they need and protect their little hearts from the trauma they endured today. 

 From Adam to the worlds newest babe dust has been and inevitable part of this earth. I have read cleaning tips and tricks but nothing has ever mentioned any help in cutting dust from my life. There are tips to get rid of clutter. DIY kitchen makeover ideas, and hints on organizing your closet on a budget.  However, no tips for getting rid of dust. It’s as inescapable as death.        

As a child I would lie in bed and watch the dust dance in the sunlight over my bed. I recall swinging my hands and arms through the dust to watch the pace of the dance change. The faster I splayed my arms around the more erratic it would fall. When I lay very still the dust would slow to a steady and constant flow. Even when I couldn’t see it falling I know it was.  

Through the years I have noticed that stress is like dust. You WILL have it. You can flail around and fight it, or you can sit back and idly watch it descend upon you, but you can’t stop stress. You can try to maintain the mess it makes and keep the dust at bay. You could also let them overwhelm your home until you have tumbleweeds threatening your kids and pets. Stress in small doses is healthy and protective.  It encourages our instincts and our need to care for things in life. Stress in large doses is unhealthy and can cause problems in your family and your body. 

Today as I watched a balloon float away I realized that I would never see that balloon again. I had it in my hands, it was given to me, for all intents and purposes, it was mine. But I let it go. So…from that day forward it was gone. GONE! I can get another one, a different one, but that balloon is GONE.  As I drove home today I started thinking about God and how he wants us to leave our cares upon him.   1Peter 5:7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. He knows it’s going to rain stress, pain, and problems on our heads and he asked that we send them to him. He doesn’t want us to lay beneath it and watch it fall on us weighing us down, or swing and fight wasting energy. He also doesn’t want to see us letting the stress rob us of our joy.  He simply wants us to have it one minute, let it go the next and watch it float away FOREVER. 

I remember a lesson Mr. A taught us in science class at Mensendick elementary school in AZ. . We spent a whole class period talking about how the circle of life works. I remembered feeling confused by the relationships animals have with their young. They care for them, fight for them, groom them and they would let them starve before they would starve. WHAT?!?! How does that make sense? They do everything to bring them into this world, fight to feed and protect them while in this world and let them die when given the choice to eat or feed them. He tried to explain that the mother lion would have to let her cubs starve because she wouldn’t be able to protect them if she starved to death. It was so wrong and left a foul feeling in my heart.  Who knew I was even listening to this lesson? It’s funny how you think you will never need these lessons while in school so we half pay attention to what’s going on and then wham, out of nowhere the learned information is applicable and dots connect.  

So… Months or maybe a year later I’m not sure how much time had passed we just landed our weary feet in TN. A nice truck driver had dropped us off at a homeless shelter in Memphis.  It was the middle of the night when we got there so everything was dark and the shelter worker was gesturing for us to keep quiet and consider sleeping guests. We each grabbed our pillow case full of clothes and dragged ourselves to the room she lead us to. She explained that we could join the group in the morning to clean up and she quickly dissappeared. There were a few cots for us to sleep on and I used my dirty pillow case filled with everything I owned as a pillow. I didn’t care that I was dirty. I was too tired and hungry to care.  It had been almost three days since we had eaten and we had left a few weeks ago from Odessa Texas and have made it to Memphis, TN. No, we didn’t walk the whole way but when you hitch hike you might walk a few miles then ride a few miles and since it’s the middle of summer the heat was beating me down and the chigger bites that infested my legs made me want to cry in pain. Typically I fall asleep within minutes of lying down but the itching was unbareable and keeping me from resting well. 

  That’s when I heard the scraping. The metal against metal rub. I was scared. I had never been here before and for some reason this sound was frantic and eerie. I shifted on my cot to see if I could find the source of this noise but it stopped. So I laid very still because all ten year olds know that if you lay still or hide the boogeyman can’t see you. It started again, so I quietly leaned forward past the edge of the couch my cot was behind and I saw it. My father was crouched like an animal in the corner of our room holding a can of pork and beans, and scraping the contents out with his pocket knife. The past two days my brother had been crying for food because our hunger was so great but dad said there wasn’t any. I quickly shifted myself back in a sleeping position on my cot and wrapped my arms around my head. What did this mean? Evidence of the circle of life, survival of the fittest? Was he eating the rest and letting us starve because he knew he couldn’t save us anyway? I closed my eyes tight to stop the tears but quickly opened them again. I didn’t want to fall asleep and face the unknown. Is this it? Will my brother make it through? Am I done, will I ever wake up again? 

January of this year I was sitting at a women’s conference and enjoying listening to the the stories of women who have dedicated their lives to God and their personal journeys of wisdom. I was in awe of the heartfelt memories.The story made me cry when she gave details about their blessings through adoption, one made me laugh when she discussed the way her mother had “the talk” with her the day before her wedding. One taught me a lesson about dealing with my problems by taking them to God. It’s never as big to him as it is in our head, or toe (inside joke). Then Donna wrapped my soul with emotion when she sung from the stage and brought cold chills all over me. I heard about many praying momma’s, grandmothers of Christian faith and daddy’s sitting on the front wooden pew. They talked about parents singing Amazing Grace, reading their bibles together and praying over every meal. As much as I was inspired and learned many things I felt like I couldn’t relate. Then Kay spoke. She told her story of a mother who mocked her faith and a father who shared his love of alcohol with his teenage daughter. She talked about PAIN, and NEGLECT. She engaged her audience with her journey as a Christian and discussed the very difficult decisions she had to make to live for God.  Every relationship requires dedication and desire to be close. You have to decide to walk away from things to walk closer to him. I sat there thinking “now this woman has been through some crap”

I can relate! No prayers were heard from a grand mother, no dad carving Sunday after church meat! Nope, I was the only one to go to church unless we were begging. While sitting at the table with emotion swelling I thought to myself. She too has had to deal with the garbage and the crap of life to find Jesus. It’s like I heard God lean in and say “garbage and crap are compost”. You see I had been studying gardening tips. I have never had a garden and didn’t know the first thing about it so that week I had been reading about compost and how it’s the most natural and fertile way to produce a garden. God does amazing things with the crap and garbage of our lives if we only allow him to.                                      Mark 4:2o “And those are the ones on whom seed was sown on the good soil; and they hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold.”                             As a mother and especially a foster mother I want to teach my kids that just though they were dealt a mess of a life and nobody was interested in leading them to a fruitful and productive life that God is the master Gardner. He knows what you need and can use what you bring no matter what’s on your plate and he can till it and fertilize it for a loving and cherished life through Christ. 

Marco…. Polo…. This was my favorite game to play in the pool. I was only six or seven but I could swim like a fish. I felt exhilarated by the cold water that was turning my hands into prunes. I didn’t care that I was probably water logged and had missed a couple meals I just wanted to be in the water . Not all KOA’s had swimming pools so I was loving this, there was even some trails we could take when we got tired of swimming so this is an awesome place to be. I hated leaving Texas but it didn’t hurt as much because I was too young to understand I would never see any of those friends or family again. 

While we played in the pool with another couple of kids who were staying here I noticed their mother sun bathing. She engaged in chit chat with her kids a few times between magazine reads and flipping over for an optimum suntan. That’s what you did in 1980. We went swimming with these same kids a couple of times this week and they were lots of fun, every few days kids would come or go but we stayed the same. This day though, this day was the beginning of me understanding the dire straights our family was really in. Their mom looked at me and said “hey honey, where do you all live” I bounced around a little and said H7. She looked confused and then smiled and said “not your campsite, I meant your home” I said again… “we’re staying at H7”. She leaned in a little closer trying to make eye contact and said “do you live here all the time?” I flippantly said “uhuh” that’s when she put her hand to her chest and said “you’re homeless?” I just started playing with my brothers float and acting like I couldn’t hear her. I started thinking about what she said. Well, we didn’t have a house but we’re not homeless. Hobo’s are homeless and walk by the train tracks and sleep under the bridge back in Dallas. I am not a hobo. I don’t know why she said that. So I just ran around the outside of the pool and jumped in. 

Why would she say that? We live…. We stay at…. We….my heart was pounding in my chest, I could hear everyone playing but they sounded like they were far away. I started grasping for breath. Everyone looked close to me, why can’t I hear their words? I can’t breath. They are looking at me, everyone is looking at me. I want to run, where do I run?  My hands wouldn’t grab the stairs they felt like bulky gloves. My ears have a phone inside, it sounds quiet but loud. My throat is closing, what? I can’t get out, I can’t run. Someone pulled me out of the pool and started shaking me. I could feel his grasp but I couldn’t respond to it. I wanted to push, to run, to scream but nothing was happening. Then he put a towel around me and he held me very tight. I don’t remember anything about the way he looked but I do remember him saying in a slow composed voice “take a deep breath” “take a deep breath” take a deep breath”. He was telling the gathering group that I had strangled on water.  I didn’t remember swallowing water but I guess that’s what happened it all went so fast. 

 However, when I was pregnant with my second child I was ran off the road by a crazy driver and I felt that same feeling, can’t breath, need to run, and panic swelling in my chest and I remember the little girl who realized she had no home. The panic rushed over my whole body and then I didn’t have any skills to detour the rising panic. So now I crossed my arms, squeezed tight and told myself to breath. That man may never know that his voice is always in my head when I reach my personal fight or flight and I pray that one day when life is consuming someone I know that they will hear my voice saying “ok, take a deep breath”

PROvide, PROtect, PROmise.                          Beginning our journey into having grandbabies with one beautiful granddaughter and another on the way I started thinking about long roads of parenting and wondering if I could really narrow down what I’ve learned as a veteran parent… I’m leaning towards the many pro’s of parenting. 

PROvide

It’s important that the first thing you do for your children is PROVIDE for them. Our children will never fully develop physically with out having their physical needs met. Food, water, and shelter are of course the basics and I’m in no way saying they need play stations, or designer clothes but it’s up to the parents to provide for them. You should also provide them with an education. You should also facilitate opportunities for them to learn about themselves and the world around them. Then there’s your faith, provide them with a door to find their own spiritual growth,  so one day they will have the skills to walk with Christ. 

PROtect

There are so many things children need protection from. Often times our minds go to predators, bullies and things that go bump in the night, but there is so much more. The number of kids that get kidnapped are high but the number of kids that get abused by their family and friends is much greater. Most children are victimized by the people who are supposed to love and protect them. It goes so much further though. Protect their hearts, their innocence, and their individuality. Most importantly if you don’t have the skills to provide or protect your children you should love them enough to protect them from you. Having children is not about you and if you can’t give provision and protection to them there are many families who would love to. 

PROmise

Our youngest daughter, Lindsey asked our oldest daughter Sarah. “Do you ever forget you’re pregnant?” Sarah said “no, it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and it’s the last thing I think of before I fall asleep” I dived in the conversation telling them from the day you see that positive sign on the pregnancy test your thoughts, goals and dreams have a new center.  Before she is born you may struggle imagining what it will be like to have your first baby. After she gets here you won’t be able to imagine your life without her again. Promise your child that you will always be there.        Hebrews 13: 5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.  There is comfort in the promise to have a love that never ends. A love that your little one won’t understand until she has her own bundle of joy. This promise is the most fertile soil for emotional and spiritual growth.